Atticus’s birth story
On the 27th of January 2007 I woke to my alarm at 5am for work. As I got up I blacked out for a few seconds and was very dizzy. I knew right then that I was pregnant again and was quite surprised despite my period being a week overdue. I knew from the beginning that this time I wanted to birth my baby at home if possible. I had birthed my first in a private hospital in what looking back I realise was not a great experience and my second in a birth centre which while it was much better than my first still was missing something. I was very determined that wherever I was going to give birth I wanted continuity of care with a midwife which was what made all the difference between my first two experiences.
On the recommendation of a few friends I met with Wendy and instantly felt a bond with her, I knew that she was the carer I wanted to share my pregnancy and birth with. My pregnancy continued without problem although for the first time I experienced nausea in pregnancy and was tired beyond belief in the first trimester. At my 20 week scan we decided to discover the sex of the baby and to my complete surprise it was another boy! We were unsure of names, only agreeing to a name in the last trimester.
At 38 weeks pregnant my friends gave me a beautiful blessing way in the room my baby was going to be born. It gave me an amazing belief in myself and left the room with a wonderful energy. We set up the birth pool in a corner in our lounge room and I prepared a birthing space.
As expected, I went past my due date of the 30th of September. My other pregnancies had gone well beyond my due date and I knew this would be no different. Despite being prepared for it, I was still frustrated and anxious although much less so than the last times. For the first time I had pre-labour which came on each night and confused me. I managed through this by telling myself that this was preparing my body well and would make my labour shorter. With each of the regular visits with Wendy I’d be convinced that the next time we would meet I would be in labour and then mildly disappointed when our next appointment came around and I was no closer. I was surprised to go past 12 days which was when Scarlett had arrived and so was the most pregnant I had ever been. I made some feeble attempts to go to hospital for monitoring but was not at all worried when it didn’t happen (hospital was too busy and suggested I could come back in 8 weeks!).
16 days over my due date I work up with pre-labour and knew it was going to be the day. The contractions were just different although it was difficult to describe how. I told Mark and sent an SMS to Wendy to let her know. We decided to take the kids to McDonalds for breakfast since it would be the last time we’d be going out for a few days. Things continued without really progressing but by the time we got home everything had pretty much stopped. There were lots of tears, I was feeling extremely frustrated. My two wonderful friends arrived to help with the birth and Mark was filling the pool as Wendy had suggested and I felt like a total fraud! Wendy suggested some herbs might help and so I started taking black cohosh every 30 minutes along with some industrial strength raspberry leaf tincture. In between that we were trying nipple stimulation and I was walking up and down our cliff like driveway, waving to the kids who were off playing with my friends in the beautiful spring afternoon. Still nothing was really happening so a plan was made for Wendy to come at 4pm. I had decided that I was going to beg her to rupture my membranes...
She arrived and I was so relieved there were a few tears, I instantly knew all would be ok. After a very quick feel of baby and listen of the heartrate Wendy suggested I get into the now full and warm birthpool. I have to admit I thought she was insane! You weren’t supposed to get into the pool until labour was well established, right? I already felt a bit silly, everyone was here, the place was all set and the only thing missing was the woman in labour. Figured I might as well keep up with the farce and get into the pool...The water was divine. Warm and taking the weight off my poor sore hips. I was very happy to sit in there chatting to Mark and Wendy with the kids popping by occasionally. I was mildly embarrassed about nuding up in front of my friends but very quickly realised this was not the place for modesty! Mild prelabour stuff continued and did get a bit bitier but I didn’t really pay them much attention. Wendy read the paper as we chatted not paying my labour or lack thereof any attention either. I suddenly had a really full on contraction...and in the middle of it I thought I needed to poo. The contraction lasted the whole of getting out of the pool and walking up the hallway and was quite a shock. Wendy was worried it might be a baby but I knew it wasn’t. Nothing happened anyway so back to the pool as student midwife Jess arrived. Back to more of the same although I was really beginning to believe I might actually have this baby today! I sent sms’s to friends to light their candles in the hope their wishes would really help me through this.
At one stage during this I was alone and Scarlett came up to steal one of my lollies and somehow ended up choking on a snake! I had to get up, lean over the edge of the pool and pull the whole snake out of her throat, lol!
Around 6.30pm things changed. I had to really stop and breathe through contractions and it was suddenly familiar to my last labours. Things came very quickly and I was feeling suddenly overwhelmed. Between contractions I decided I didn’t want to be scared and feel like I was hiding from them...I wanted to meet them with positivity and acceptance. So I tried to let it happen. For the first time I understood what it meant to ‘go within’. I found with the contractions I couldn’t think of ANYTHING, if my mind wandered at all it was intolerable. I had to just push my head against the wall of the pool, hold Mark’s hands and think..... nothing....easier said than done! I was still aware that things were going on around me...I think my Mum arrived..at 7.30pm Mark remembered that Australian Idol was starting and I would be upset to miss it. We didn’t have a TV in the room so he put the radio on and I listened to it more as background noise. I was aware of candles being lit in the window. Our loungeroom window had an amazing view of Cleland National park and I had imagined myself looking out on that as I laboured with canles in the window sill. Instead I set myself up with my bottom to the window, lol! And spend most of my time with my face in the wall of the birth pool. Things progressed...baby kept moving throughout to let me know he was ok, Wendy listened to baby occasionally. Once she asked to listen (yes she always asked permission!! :-P) and it was too full on at that point so I said no....unthinkable from my previous labours that I had any say in what was happening. I very specifically remember that..I was surprised I had the confidence to say no to a health professional! She, of course, had no problem with that and just waited for a better time.
I have no idea of time really from then on (actually didn’t really before that..only know because of Australian idol, lol!). I did start to get that overwhelmed feeling again..things were getting on top of me and I moaned in between contractions..’am I at least halfway?’ Wendy reassured me that she suspected I was at least halfway.. She seemed to sense when things were getting to me and was in my ear whispering things I needed to hear...although I don’t remember what they were. She seemed to know when I needed it to be just Mark and I (most of the time) and when I needed a woman to tell me everything was ok. Not long after everyone was distracted talking although I only heard noise...I looked down at the water and felt very alone. I had this thought that no one was paying me any attention and that if I put me face under the water this would all end now and no one would even notice. Looking back I suspect that was transition, lol! A contraction starting broke that thought and it was all forgotten. Everything began to annoy me..whiny Marsha on the radio (the plug was very quickly pulled from the wall) and I suddenly announced to everyone ‘this is FUCKED’. I felt very agitated and had totally had enough..Throughout the labour I had been trying to imagine what my cervix and baby were doing..I decided to see if my cervix was as open as I imagined and pushed a little at the end of a contraction. Perhaps my body told me to do that? Who knows but it felt good! It became uncontrollable at the end of each contraction, like a grunt. I felt my baby move, not down but move. There was lots of activity near my bottom, Wendy and Jess were there with a torch. They didn’t say anything or tell me what to do. My membranes ruptured around this time and were pronounced clear. Mark was told to get his togs on if he planned to get into the birth pool and ran off in between a contraction being told I’d kill him if he wasn’t back before the next. He was but I was too hot and too ‘in the zone’ to risk moving. Cold washers were placed on my back and with the hot water felt great! Pushing really started how long I don’t know, it’s all very fuzzy. I felt him move down but then move back up after the contraction. I was quite shocked and confused...the other two hadn’t done this! Third one was supposed to be easier! After maybe 2 contractions like this, thoughts of protecting my poor previously third degree torn perineum went out the window and I PUSHED and he stuck! With great relief I pushed again and felt him ‘clunk’ against my pelvis, move a little bit (probably turning) and continue to move down. I think Wendy helped me with breathing as his head was born, couldn’t be sure...but as with the other two, crowning and birthing his head wasn’t as bad as I expected. I didn’t feel the tear at that time like I had with Scarlett. As the other two did, he decided to move his head about which really hurt! There was a slight break in contractions, then I pushed with the next one and sat back to lift him up as Wendy said ‘don’t sit up, it’s still in!’ (Apparently he was still in my vagina to his hips, how odd you can have something like that inside you and not even notice!) and then the rest of him was born and I lifted him up into my arms.
Surprisingly he was pink from the start and alert, looking up at me. 8.30pm, just two hours after labour had started. Mark climbed into the pool with me while the kids watched with one friend watching and the other taking the most amazing photos which I totally treasure. I don’t remember much after that..lots of afterpains...a breastfeed...Wendy gave me something homeopathic to help the placenta out...we all got out of the pool and Wendy helped me lay on the couch with my boy and the placenta came quickly into a colander. I thought he was tiiiny, Wendy had told me he was about the same as the other 2 when palping when I was pregnant...and here was this tiny baby... Well he was placed in her weighing bag and didn’t fit! To our great surprise my tiny baby was 4.7kgs or 10lbs6oz! More breastfeeding, an amazing cake my friend’s had baked with my kids while I laboured and champagne.
Everyone sang happy birthday to my beautiful boy ATTICUS JUDE, was totally blissful! Everyone slowly left and I showered in my own shower while Mark held Atticus skin to skin. Eventually it was just Wendy and Jess and the big kids were asleep. After a quick check pronouncing a very small tear/graze that didn’t need anything it was just Mark, Atticus and I. The house was silent, just so peaceful. With just us we decided to cut Atticus’s cord, totally intimate!
Looking back at this, one year tomorrow later...I am amazed at what I did. Unlike the other two I totally feel like it was my achievement. I might sound silly if you haven’t been there but everything that happened was my doing...I chose everyone in our house that night. If anyone needed anything they asked us (well Mark :P) Mark was totally amazing too...he was totally THERE. He was of course there for Jasper and Scarlett’s birth but I really felt like he was in the moment with me. He held my hands for pretty much all of it. It was the first time he didn’t run down to the ‘business end’ to see the actual birth, said all the right things...it wouldn’t have been the same without him.
My friend’s too...were everything I needed of them. I have the most beautiful photos of my birth. I didn’t worry about the kids at all with them and my Mum. My Mum I’m sure found it hard but I had talked to her earlier about what I needed from her and she was great. Homebirth truly is wonderful. I’ve tried it all and without very good medical reason I can’t imagine ever going to hospital to birth another baby. Jasper and Scarlett’s births were just another day for the care providers I chose/ was allocated to, they wouldn’t have remembered who I was a week later. Unlike Wendy who still gives me a kiss and hug when she sees us almost a year later. Atticus’s birth was so normal...yet so totally magical....I don’t have the words to describe the differences between his birth and my first two.
Happy first birthday to my beautiful, smiley, brilliant, inspiring, busy little guy, I am soooo in love with you, as much as I was that moment I pulled you from the water to meet you for the first time!
